I am acutely aware of the nature of words and phrases and how they’re used; how they tend to permeate and matriculate across different cultural boundaries. This function is most commonly referred to as “co-opting”.
So when I say that if your favorite football team isn’t the Oakland Raiders, it sounds stupid when you refer to your fanbase as a “Nation”, please know that I understand fully that you don’t really put much thought into it when you do so. You simply needed an all-encompassing phrase to identify with fellow fans of your shitty football team, and you chose the easiest way to do so, as opposed to coming up with something clever and creative and original.
Make no mistake — the “Nation” qualifier lives and dies with the Raiders and the Raiders only. Many others have tried to lay claim to the title over the years, but it speaks volumes that the one true officially recognized signifier is associated with the Silver & Black.
Thankfully, in recent years, the tendency to refer to non-Raider fan bases as “Nations” has died down significantly — mostly due to the NFL’s non-stop advertising machine issuing a mandate to all other 31 teams to come up with their own thing if they hadn’t already. As such, these trendy little hashtags mostly take care of the riff raff.
Even still, every now and then you’ll get a dipshit or two that’ll break out the #CowboysNation hashtag on your timeline. Don’t let this fly, Nation. Own your title and defend it with pride.
Below are a list of well-thought out and scientifically-researched reasons that the names of the other 31 teams sound stupid with “Nation” behind it. Please share with those fan bases for awareness.
Bronco Nation: Don’t think it has gone unnoticed that you’ve co-opted the co-op with“Broncos Country”. As you’ll see, this has become somewhat of a trend among some of the lamer fan bases in the league. I move that Broncos fans hereby be referred to as “The Glue Factory”. All in favor?
Charger Nation: “Charger Nation” sounds like where iPhone users go to die when the trash-ass cord they give you inevitably shorts out in the three weeks after purchase. Also hilarious, because nobody cares — you guys can’t even drum up support in a small district. And you have the audacity to call yourselves a nation? Goodbye.
Chief Nation: Another cheap knock-off with “Chiefs Kingdom” — you guys were obviously spending a lot of time in the thesaurus trying to make things work for yourselves. “Kingdom” was an interesting choice — seeing as how you have no king, no crown or anything of worth to speak of. “Mayo Nation” is much more fitting, and even follows a similar pronunciation pattern to you guys’ favorite snack.
It is a largely accepted fact that all Chiefs fans eat mayonnaise directly from the jar.
— ROCK THUNDERPUNCH (@RokThunderpunch) December 6, 2020
Mayo Nation it is, then.
Bills Nation: I’ve always appreciated the fact that the “Bills Mafia” exists — though I’m not quite sure why you guys are a mafia, instead of just, you know, a group of people that cheer for the Bills. Who have you whacked, besides yourselves? You know what? Never mind. I don’t need to know.
“Bills Nation” sounds like your mailbox at the end of the month. And NOBODY likes that. Stick with “mafia”.
Dolphin Nation: I feel like I’ve actually seen this, or some variation like “Phins Nation” floating around somewhere but I think you guys know better. A group of dolphins is called a “pod”. So what should you call a group of Dolphins fans?
Hopeless. That’s what.
Jets Nation: This franchise’s own fan base hates this team’s gotdamn guts, and the Jets seem to hate them right back. They can’t even claim their own city. Absolutely not.
Patriot Nation: Ok, this and “Pats Nation” probably irritates me more than any other team and/or version — not only because of my deep-seeded, never-ending hate for the Patriots, Robert Kraft, Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, or the state of Massachusetts as a whole.
But because if you think about it, the Patriots have completely fashioned themselves after the best parts of the Al Davis Raiders — the paranoia, the “us-against-the-world” mentality, the less-than-cozy relationship with the commissioner. And now you want our slogan?
Nah. The shit. stops. NOW.
Colts Nation: The only Colt we acknowledge is 45. Please exit stage left. The Capt. Andrew Luck Twitter account can stay, though.
Jaguar Nation: Lol. As in the United Kingdom? If you say “Jag Nation” fast enough it sounds like an injury. “He suffered a mild jagnation in his shoulder. He’ll be out eight-ten weeks”.
Kinda like the Jags from the playoffs! ZING!
Texan Nation: As a native Houstonian, I can proudly say I’ve never heard or seen this phrase used anywhere in my beautiful city. You guys have #BullsOnParade (or maybe not anymore?) which is fine — despite the fact that Texas could very much operate as its own country, “Texan Nation” would have hard time catching on, I think.
Titan Nation: I just want to take this time out to make fun of #TitanUp. Did you guys know what you were doing? You had to, right? It’s bad enough the first three letters of your team’s name spell “tit”. Honestly, this just makes me think of a woman in the mirror, analyzing her body. “I just need to #TitanUp and this dress will fit exactly like I want it to. Sigh”.
Also, this classic line.
Brown Nation: It’s very hard to pick on the Browns, because….well, they’re the Browns. But “Brown Nation” sounds like the Hispanic answer to Antifa; it’s what keeps your president up at night.
Bengal Nation: I’ve never heard this (thank God). But I am routinely amused by your long-standing war with the Saints over “WhoDey/Dat”. I don’t know who came up with what first, and I don’t really care(for the record, “Who Dat” sounds much much better). Just….stay over there.
Raven Nation: I’m sure the phonetic similarity is tempting, but don’t do this Baltimore. #RavensFlock is perfectly fine — though I still do consider not going with #RavensMurder a pretty big missed opportunity.
….like a murder of crows, guys! C’mon! Get it??
Steeler Nation: I still see this one a lot, and honestly, it disappoints me more than anything. The Steelers are a team/franchise that I both despise and have the utmost respect for, and I think Raiders fans feel like that across the board. Our rivalry defined an entire decade of the sport. And the Steelers have their own cultural elements to be proud of — the Steel Curtain, the Terrible Towel — so this is really just lazy. Do better, Pittsburgh.
Bear Nation: Bears are great. The Chicago Bears….not so much. “Bear Nation” doesn’t and never should exist.
Lion Nation: *see above*
Packer Nation: In terms of professional football culture, the Packers do everything right. They have their own traditions and iconic imagery to boast, and have made endless contributions to the history of the game. Packers fans are Cheeseheads. Cheeseheads have my respect. Packer Nation does not.
Viking Nation: A Richard Spencer wet dream realized, maybe. But no.
Buccaneer Nation: The Buccaneers entire aesthetic is basically if the Raiders mainlined a Disney cartoon. Yes, the pirate image is distinctly Raiders — but I think the Buccaneers, even in upgrading from the winking Johnny Depp mascot to the skull & crossbones flag at the turn of the century, stay far enough from the Raider essence to render this a mild gripe, more than anything else. Buccaneers are “arrrgh, shiver-me-timbers”, nautical-based cartoon pirates, whereas Raiders simply roll into your city, take what they want, and burn the rest down.
On top of that, we gave you guys a coach and a Super Bowl victory. I don’t wanna see “Buc Nation” at any point in my life.
Falcon Nation: The Falcons migrated from #RiseUp to #InBrotherhood, which seems an appropriate coping mechanism after the tragedy that ensued — you gotta turn to family, right? The Falcons had a nation, if only for a day, back in February. They also had one job. Needless to say, this is a no-go.
Panther Nation: Huey Newton didn’t die for this. Cam Newton might. I think #KeepPounding is weird, but it makes sense — it’s obviously an homage to the inside of Cam’s skull after a Carolina game.
Saint Nation: Back when the Saints were good, I saw some mentions of a “Who Dat Nation” every now and then. As much as I love Louisiana, I simply cannot allow it. Now, between Tom Benson’s mental state and Drew Brees’ shoulder being a dead heat for deteriorating faster than the Falcons lead in the Super Bowl, and Sean Payton’s “Mask Off”-inspired decision-making ability, y’all have quieted down significantly, and this appropriation has mostly dissipated. Thank you for dat.
Cowboy Nation: Steadfastly among the biggest and most egregious offenders on this list. Two things:
- a) you can’t have “Cowboy Nation” AND “America’s Team”.
- b) you can’t have either when everybody hates you.
The Cowboys are the Donald Trump of the NFL — how loathed and how popular they are are both premiere examples of how broken and morally debased this country truly is.
- Giant Nation: Dumb beyond explanation.
- Eagle Nation: I feel like the only person that’s ever said it is this guy.
- Redskin Nation: One should hope that this phrase is never uttered. But Dan Snyder does not exactly inspire hope.
- Cardinal Nation: I feel like this is said more in reference to the baseball team than the Arizona Cardinals. In fact, I’m almost sure of it. Damn that baseball team, the city, and everyone who supports either all the way to hell.
Niner Nation: Yikes! I don’t know when 49ers fans coined “Niner Empire” but they’ve very much fallen in line with every other fan base that hates the Raiders, by outright copying them. Of course, I’ve also seen Niner “fans” with Niner tattoos proudly donning silver & black. So.
Ram Nation: ……where? Not in LA, that’s for sure.
Seahawk Nation: The irony here is that Seattle’s “12th Man” is actually a pure rip from a college team. That’s correct — the Seattle Seahawks are currently paying Texas A&M University for use of the “12th Man”. Needless to say, I think they’re good on nicknames.
So there you have it, yet another reminder that creativity and originality are at a true premium. You can say whatever you want about Raiders fans — that they’re thugs, criminals, blindly passionate and devoid of logic — just make sure you start or end that sentence with “Raider Nation”.
That shouldn’t be too hard to remember, because there’s only one team in all of sports that you can do that with
